I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
