i love accidental penises.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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