I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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