Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
