WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
