I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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