I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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