Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
