I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
