Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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