I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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