Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
