Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
