My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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