And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
