u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
