I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
