she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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