So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Moan for me like Helen Keller
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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