I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
This is the high leading the old right now
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
