How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Please, let me fuck your mom
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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