sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
