My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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