Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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