I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Please don't give away my fajitas
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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