I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
