I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
