I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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