Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
