You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
