I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
