It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
