I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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