i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
