Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
