I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
