in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
