NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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