Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Randomize
