True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
