i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
