the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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