Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize