Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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