I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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