Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Randomize
