I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
