i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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