Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
this just has baby written all over it
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
