Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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