I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
