If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
