Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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