Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
