Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
