I cockslap morals
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
