i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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